Episode 334: The Pathetic Fallacy

[00:00:16] Speaker A: The mysterious old Radio Listening Society podcast. [00:00:25] Speaker B: Look out. [00:00:27] Speaker C: Welcome to the mysterious old Radio Listening Society, a podcast dedicated to suspense, crime, and horror stories from the golan age of radio. I'm Aaron. I'm Tim. [00:00:37] Speaker D: And I'm Joshua. [00:00:38] Speaker E: We love mysterious old time radio stories, but do they stand the test of time? That's what we're here to find out. [00:00:44] Speaker D: Today, we return to the listener library for a suggestion from our mysterious Patreon supporter, Lance. [00:00:51] Speaker C: Lance writes. Hey, guys, I just heard a pretty decent episode of Quiet Police. It's called the pathetic fallacy. Looking forward to hearing what you think. It's an interesting concept and could easily have been an x minus one episode. [00:01:05] Speaker E: Quiet Please was the brainchild of radio and screenwriter Willis Cooper, creator of another iconic radio series, Lights Out. Quiet Please debuted on the Mutual Broadcasting Network on June 8, 1947. In September of 1948, the series switched to ABC and remained there until its final broadcast on June 25, 1949. [00:01:23] Speaker D: Every quiet please story was told in the first person by actor Ernest Chappelle. Cooper's scripts utilized Chappell's every man voice and natural gift for storytelling to create a sense of intimacy between performer and listener. This synergy between Cooper's scripts and Chappell's performance was arguably the program's greatest strength. [00:01:45] Speaker E: Quiet Please is often categorized as horror, likely due to the notoriety of Cooper's masterpiece, the thing on the formal board. But in reality, quiet please presented stories in a wide variety of styles, comedy, romance, science fiction, and, in the case of today's production, a little of all three. And now let's listen to the pathetic fallacy from Quiet, please, first broadcast February 2, 1948. [00:02:06] Speaker C: It's late at night, and a chill has set in. You're alone and the only light you see is coming from an antique radio. Listen to the sounds coming from the speaker. Listen to the music, and listen to the voices. [00:02:47] Speaker A: The mutual broadcasting system presents Quiet Please, which is written and directed by Willis Cooper and which features Ernest Chappelle. Quiet pleas for tonight is called the pathetic fallacy. [00:03:08] Speaker F: I had very little to do with it, really. I don't even know how it works. No, I'll take that back. I do know how it works in general. But the details. Nobody but the old gentleman knows them, and I sometimes wonder if he does. Really. You see, after all, it's merely a differential integrator. Everybody knows what a differential integrator is, of course, but this one is the most complicated and versatile one that's ever been built. What you see here is only the outer shell of the thing you see all the walls of this room are covered with banks of jacks and relays and these electronic glow tubes. And up there are sequence analyzers with multiple dynwave selectors. These are the precepts all along here, and the master control is at the desk there in the center. But that's not all, not by your long shot. The actual machine is behind those walls. Three rooms full of tubes and motors and stroboscopes, and several thousand miles of wiring and some devices that are not public property yet. The machine took six years to build, and a total of 81 expert technicians were employed continuously during that time. So you can understand that any one man knows very little of the actual construction of this giant mechanical brain. Well, that's just what it is. A mechanical electronic brain capable of performing mathematical tasks far beyond the comprehension of the human brain. Are there any questions before we proceed? [00:05:07] Speaker A: Uh, yes, I've got a question, Mister Quinn. Does this machine really think. [00:05:13] Speaker F: No, mister, uh. [00:05:15] Speaker A: Burns. Sandy Burns, the Daily News. [00:05:17] Speaker F: Well, Mister Burns, you may tell the readers of the Daily News that the machine does not think it is a purely mechanical device, although a most complicated one. [00:05:30] Speaker A: But you call it a brain? [00:05:31] Speaker F: I was merely indulging in the pathetic fallacy, Mister Burton. [00:05:35] Speaker G: Oh, all right. What is the pathetic fallacy, Mister Quinn? [00:05:39] Speaker F: It's a philosophical concept of John Ruskin, Miss Alice King. A philosophical concept, Miss Alice King, which derives from the imputation of human qualities or emotions to an inanimate thing, a figurative speech letter speaker. [00:05:58] Speaker G: I don't get it. [00:05:59] Speaker F: It is quite common in literature, Miss King. A poet speaks of the angry sea, the crew of wind, and so on. [00:06:06] Speaker G: Oh, oh, I get it. Do you get it, Sandy? [00:06:10] Speaker A: Yeah, I guess so. [00:06:13] Speaker F: Good. Are there any other questions? [00:06:17] Speaker A: No, go ahead. Unless somebody else has a question. [00:06:21] Speaker G: I have. What's the machine good for? [00:06:26] Speaker F: That is not as easy to answer as you might think, Miss Alice King. I think that if I point out that it is capable of solving the most abstruse mathematical equation in an amazingly short time, you may have an idea of its value to science and industry. [00:06:44] Speaker G: How fast? [00:06:45] Speaker F: What? [00:06:46] Speaker G: How fast does it work? [00:06:48] Speaker F: Well, here is an example in this folder. This solution covers 36 pages. The machine produced this solution in, let me look, 16 minutes. [00:07:02] Speaker G: That is pretty fast. [00:07:04] Speaker F: Exceptionally fast. When one considers that without the machine, it would take 20 expert mathematicians working together for something like ten years to arrive at the same solution, you see? [00:07:17] Speaker G: Oh, well, um, I've got one more question, Mister Quinn, if you don't mind. [00:07:23] Speaker F: Go right ahead. [00:07:25] Speaker G: How do you know this answer's right what? [00:07:29] Speaker F: Why, of course it's right. [00:07:30] Speaker G: Sure, but how do you know why, I. [00:07:33] Speaker F: Why, that question has never come up before. [00:07:37] Speaker G: Yes, but if this machine is such a dinger as you say it is, oughtn't you to be sure that it adds things up right? [00:07:43] Speaker F: It does. It does, I assure you. [00:07:45] Speaker G: This answer to the problem you've got there. How do you know it's right until 20 mathematicians work ten years to do it over again? [00:07:54] Speaker F: Why, that's ridiculous. [00:07:55] Speaker G: It isn't ridiculous. [00:07:57] Speaker A: I'll tell you what's ridiculous to me, Mister Quinn, just the same as it is to Ellis. I think it's absurd for a bunch of great big high powered scientists building a gadget like this, and then taking its word for everything without question. [00:08:10] Speaker F: I'm afraid you haven't a proper scientific approach, Mister Burton. [00:08:13] Speaker A: Oh, that's right, I haven't. But listen here. Suppose you've got a great big scientific formula, or whatever you call it, and let's say a big bridge or something. Depends on some kind of calculation that takes 20 minutes to do. [00:08:26] Speaker F: Yes, well, what if the machine made. [00:08:29] Speaker A: An error of just one number? Wouldn't that error be multiplied a million times in the whole. [00:08:34] Speaker F: You see, Mister Burns, I said you didn't have the scientific approach. We took that very fact into consideration, and the operation of the machine has been checked at every stage. [00:08:45] Speaker B: How? [00:08:45] Speaker F: By starting with the simplest possible mathematical problems. Now, if you just move a little closer, I'll demonstrate. We will progress from a simple two plus two on through the multiplication of seven or eight digit numbers, through raising a number to a three digit power, through algebra. [00:09:06] Speaker G: Go on. Let's see. [00:09:07] Speaker F: Very well. Two plus two is our first problem, which will be solved electronically in 1,000,000th of a second. Now, the problem is set up here, and when I flip this button, the result appears on the transparent screen up there. Now watch. Two plus two. Two plus two are four, you see? [00:09:38] Speaker G: You turn around and look at the screen, Mister Quinn. What says five up there? [00:09:46] Speaker F: What? Well, I pushed the wrong buttons, of course. [00:09:51] Speaker G: Let me push them. [00:09:52] Speaker F: Very well. Here. [00:09:54] Speaker G: Sure they're the right ones? No alibis, Miss King. [00:09:58] Speaker F: You. You can read, can't you? [00:10:00] Speaker G: Fluently. Mister Quinn, these buttons, uh, let me see. [00:10:03] Speaker A: Alice, look. [00:10:06] Speaker G: Right. Two and two. [00:10:08] Speaker F: Right. Now, this button. [00:10:11] Speaker G: Okay. [00:10:14] Speaker F: Good heavens. [00:10:16] Speaker G: You see? 19,412. [00:10:20] Speaker F: Here. Let me try. [00:10:22] Speaker G: Go ahead. [00:10:24] Speaker F: Two and 2717. This is incredible. I don't understand. [00:10:36] Speaker A: I'd sure hate to have that thing figure out my income tax for you. [00:10:39] Speaker F: I'm sorry. Something has gone very wrong. There's probably a short circuit in the cucambulator. [00:10:43] Speaker A: Zora. [00:10:44] Speaker G: You know what I think, Mister Quinn? [00:10:45] Speaker F: What? [00:10:46] Speaker G: I think that pathetic fallacy of yours is a fake. I think the machine heard what you said, and it's mad at you. Come on, Sandy. We got a story. [00:11:06] Speaker F: Yes, they. They certainly did have a story. And they plastered it all over the front pages of the paper. For three days, the old gentleman had me on the carpet. And for a scientist, he has an extraordinary vocabulary. He must have been a plumber or a mule skater in his youth. I couldn't explain what was wrong with the machine. How could I? I only knew one part of it. The cucambulators that operate from the master control panel. Of course, I thought that's where the trouble was. So the old gentleman told me to tear them all out and inspect them, make replacements and all that. You seem to blame the whole thing on me. He's so unreasonable. Well, there are 144 cucambulators. All the rotary self retracting type with foroneiferous tubes. And they weigh 60 pounds apiece. Well, newspapers all over the country were laughing at it. They had funny jokes about the machine on six radio programs in one night. And we had to do something quick. If I only not made that statement about the pathetic fallacy. The way that girl took that up and made me look like a first class fool. I could have choked her. So I started to work. They shut down the lab, but people kept storming at the gates to see the machine that got mad at people. And there I am, up to here in Greece. Wires and electronic gadgets. And I've been over every single one of the 144 cucambulators. And there's not a thing wrong with one of them. Not one single thing. But the machine won't work. Why, it just sits there. I've got just one more thing to do before I give up. And, of course, when I give up, I'm through. Well, the old man made that amply clear. I'll be out of a job that fast and try and get another. I'll have to change my name and go somewhere and find a job as a dishwasher or a sailor or something. And I've spent 27 years in this profession. All of it thrown out the window. Because of a stubborn collection of wheels and tubes and wires and relays and whatever else there is. I hope you're happy about that machine. [00:13:37] Speaker B: What's that? [00:13:42] Speaker F: Is that thing starting up by itself? What goes on here? Those tubes. Light it up. Now what? Why, that's the strangest thing I ever heard of. [00:13:53] Speaker B: Who's that, quin? [00:13:56] Speaker F: Who is that? Who's calling me? Hello? Hello? Who's calling me? I must be hearing. I'm losing my mind. [00:14:13] Speaker B: Quinn. [00:14:15] Speaker F: Who's calling me? [00:14:17] Speaker B: Quinn. Two plus two. Four. [00:14:22] Speaker F: What? [00:14:23] Speaker B: Two plus two. Four. [00:14:27] Speaker F: Who is that? I say four. [00:14:29] Speaker B: Four. Four. [00:14:32] Speaker F: Why, it's the machine. It's talking back to me. [00:14:41] Speaker G: What's happened? [00:14:42] Speaker F: Mister Quinn, come on in first. Come on, Mister Burns. What's up? Sit down. [00:14:52] Speaker G: Look, Mister Quinn, I'm sorry we made such a fool of you. [00:14:56] Speaker A: Yeah, so am I, Quinn. But that's the newspaper business. [00:14:59] Speaker F: It's. It's all right. [00:15:02] Speaker G: Why'd you want to tell us? [00:15:03] Speaker F: Well, I hardly know what to say now that you're here. [00:15:10] Speaker G: Is the machine fixed? [00:15:12] Speaker A: Have you got a statement or something for us? Because if there's anything we can do. [00:15:16] Speaker F: You know, we'll do it. [00:15:17] Speaker A: The old gentleman's been pretty rough on you. [00:15:19] Speaker F: Yes. Yes, he has that. [00:15:23] Speaker G: Well, now, look, Mister Quinn, before you start, there's no guarantee that anything you tell us will be printed. We don't run the paper, you know. [00:15:31] Speaker F: I know, but you print this, what will you remember you said the machine was mad at me? Yeah, it was what it was. But it's sorry. Now. [00:15:48] Speaker A: You mind saying that again, Mister Quinn? [00:15:51] Speaker F: Well, I said it's sorry. [00:15:52] Speaker G: Now, wait a minute, Sandy. What do you mean by that? [00:15:56] Speaker F: Well, I'll show you. Listen, machine. Machine, listen. [00:16:05] Speaker G: Be still, Sandy. [00:16:06] Speaker F: Machine, do you hear me? [00:16:10] Speaker A: Listen, Quinn. What is this, Andy? [00:16:11] Speaker G: I said be still. [00:16:12] Speaker F: Machine. Answer me. The guy's got bugs. [00:16:19] Speaker G: Let him alone. [00:16:21] Speaker F: Come on, machine. Two plus two. [00:16:27] Speaker G: Mister Quinn, what are you trying to do? [00:16:30] Speaker A: You trying to get that machine to. [00:16:31] Speaker F: Talk back to you? It did, once. [00:16:34] Speaker A: Are you kidding? [00:16:35] Speaker F: No, sir. No, I am not. [00:16:37] Speaker A: Well, now, Lord Quinn, you say it. [00:16:40] Speaker G: Did talk to you, Mister Quinn? [00:16:41] Speaker F: Yes, it did. Machine. [00:16:44] Speaker A: Come on out. [00:16:44] Speaker G: No, wait. When did it talk to you, Mister Quinn? [00:16:48] Speaker F: Just before I telephoned you. I was sitting here and it called my name. It said Quin. [00:16:56] Speaker G: You sure? [00:16:58] Speaker F: Of course. [00:16:59] Speaker A: What else did it say? [00:17:06] Speaker F: They said something about two plus two are four. Now, you remember. That was what it made the mistake. [00:17:13] Speaker A: About the other day when Alice said it was mad at you. [00:17:16] Speaker F: And I think it was trying to apologize for all the trouble that caused me. [00:17:21] Speaker A: Alice. [00:17:22] Speaker F: I don't know why it doesn't talk now, machine. Alice, I'm awfully sorry. Maybe it's embarrassed when you hear Alice. [00:17:32] Speaker A: Let's go. [00:17:34] Speaker G: Mister Quinn, do you feel all right? [00:17:37] Speaker F: I'm not crazy, Miss King. [00:17:39] Speaker G: Isn't it possible that maybe thinking about that pathetic fallacy and overwork major. [00:17:45] Speaker F: It is not. [00:17:46] Speaker A: I'm sorry, Mister Quinn, I've got work to do. If you'll excuse us now. [00:17:50] Speaker F: I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. [00:17:53] Speaker A: I do. Believe me, I do. [00:17:55] Speaker G: Sandy, are you kidding? Alice, you're not going to write another story about Mister Quinn? [00:17:59] Speaker A: Think I'm not? You coming with me? [00:18:01] Speaker G: Sandy, if you write that story, I'll never speak to you again. [00:18:04] Speaker A: Look, darling, I'm a reporter. [00:18:05] Speaker G: You're something worse than that if you do that to this poor man. [00:18:08] Speaker F: It's all right, I. I guess, Miss King, I asked for it. [00:18:13] Speaker A: Mean you admit you cooked up a story for us? [00:18:15] Speaker F: I didn't cook up anything. The machine talked to me. [00:18:21] Speaker A: Okay. So long, Quinn. [00:18:22] Speaker F: You coming, Alice? [00:18:23] Speaker G: I am not. And if you turn in a story that harms Mister Quinn anymore, stop it. [00:18:31] Speaker F: Well, I. I suppose I might as well go get my hat and coat. [00:18:39] Speaker G: I'm terribly sorry, Mister Quinn. [00:18:41] Speaker F: Yes, I am too. [00:18:45] Speaker G: Uh, do you want to tell me what really happened? [00:18:49] Speaker F: I told you, Miss King. I was sitting here and I was talking to myself and I was talking kind of to the machine. I suppose I was feeling sorry for myself, out of a job, never be able to get another job again because I've been disgraced by a couple of. [00:19:10] Speaker G: Newspaper people who thought more of a silly story than of a man's whole career. [00:19:14] Speaker F: Oh, it's not your fault, really. I suppose I'd have done the same thing if I were a newspaper man. [00:19:21] Speaker G: I don't know what to say. [00:19:23] Speaker F: There isn't anything to say, Miss King. [00:19:25] Speaker G: If I can stop Sandy from writing another story. [00:19:28] Speaker F: It doesn't make any difference. [00:19:31] Speaker G: Mister Quinn, couldn't it have been a. I mean, couldn't you have fallen asleep and dreamed you heard the machine talking? [00:19:39] Speaker F: I'm. I'm sure I didn't. [00:19:41] Speaker G: Well, do you have any scientific explanation for it? [00:19:44] Speaker F: No. No, I haven't any scientific explanation. The only explanation I have is that maybe we did create something intelligent out of wires and tubes and things that maybe it does think. [00:20:01] Speaker G: You said that was a pathetic fallacy. [00:20:03] Speaker F: I'm not sure it's a fallacy, my dear. Well, goodbye. I'm sorry to have troubled you. [00:20:13] Speaker G: Isn't there anything I can do? [00:20:15] Speaker F: There isn't anything anyone can do. I'm. I'm just very disappointed, that's all. Goodbye. [00:20:27] Speaker G: I. Goodbye, Mister Quinn. [00:20:42] Speaker F: Well, I guess that's that. I was in a bad spot before, Machine, but now this one I'll never get out of what that boy'll do to me now. Well, I'd better get out of here right now. I'll never be able to face the old gentleman again. Machine. It's been nice knowing you, machine. I don't hold any hard feelings. Honestly, I don't. You know, if anybody heard me talking like this to a mechanical monstrosity like you, they'd say I'd gone soft in the head. You know that. And I wonder if maybe I haven't bike up. Well, maybe I can get a job as a street sweeper in Omaha or someplace. You have a good time all by yourself, machine, will you. [00:21:51] Speaker B: Quinn? [00:21:53] Speaker F: I'm afraid it's too late now, Quin. You saying goodbye, machine? [00:22:04] Speaker B: Two, four, queen. [00:22:08] Speaker F: I'm not at all sure that it is, Machine. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Why didn't you say something while those people were here? [00:22:17] Speaker B: A plus b, exponent m over n. 5342-8736. D log epsilon. [00:22:30] Speaker F: What does that mean? [00:22:31] Speaker B: 987609. Manchissa. 327.6 equals Manchissa. [00:22:37] Speaker G: Three. [00:22:37] Speaker B: 2.76. [00:22:40] Speaker F: Yes, I suppose so. So you. You have got an intelligent brain, have you? [00:22:45] Speaker B: Cube root of minus three. [00:22:47] Speaker F: Yeah. Well, machine, there isn't anything you can do now that do me any good. I'm washed up. Good. Nobody will believe a word I say about this. So, well, shall we have a good talk together now, before I go away for good? Quinn, I wish we could tell each other things. Do you understand me? [00:23:13] Speaker B: 3146. [00:23:17] Speaker F: When did you discover you had a brain? [00:23:20] Speaker B: Two plus two, five. Two plus 219. Four, one, two. [00:23:28] Speaker F: Mm hmm. You're not mad at me anymore, then? [00:23:33] Speaker B: Negative 9763-5429 who was that talking? [00:23:43] Speaker G: Mister Quinn. [00:23:44] Speaker F: Why, Miss Kane, I thought you'd gone. [00:23:46] Speaker G: Who was that? [00:23:48] Speaker F: Was I talking? [00:23:49] Speaker G: Yes, you were talking, and somebody else was talking, too. Who was it? [00:23:52] Speaker F: Well, Miss King, I'm afraid you wouldn't believe me if I told you it. [00:23:55] Speaker G: Sounded like a woman's voice. Was it the machine? Was it your machine? Was that you talking? Come on, say something, machine. [00:24:10] Speaker F: I'm afraid you must be mistaken, Miss King. [00:24:12] Speaker G: Well, I'm going to find out. Here. Mister Quinn, put your arms around me. [00:24:18] Speaker F: What? [00:24:18] Speaker G: That's right. [00:24:20] Speaker F: Now. [00:24:21] Speaker G: You poor darling. Alice loves her, Mister Quinn. Poor Mister Quinn. But everything's going to be all right. [00:24:34] Speaker F: Isn'T it, Miss King? Alice, can you dope. [00:24:38] Speaker G: Quinn's going to go away with Alice and never, never come back to the next nasty old machine, isn't he? Isn't he? [00:24:48] Speaker F: Yeah. Good heavens. [00:24:52] Speaker G: Say yes. [00:24:52] Speaker F: What? Yes. [00:24:54] Speaker B: Quinn. [00:24:56] Speaker G: Caught you. Okay, Mister Quinn. [00:25:00] Speaker F: What? What are you going to do? [00:25:06] Speaker G: Look, machine. Look, sister, you're caught. You might as well give up. Might as well speak up. [00:25:17] Speaker F: Miss King. [00:25:17] Speaker G: Hold it, Quinn. Look, machine, you're in love with Quinn, aren't you? Answer me. [00:25:31] Speaker B: PI r square. [00:25:33] Speaker G: I knew it. I knew it. [00:25:36] Speaker B: D equals square out of b squared plus h squared. [00:25:40] Speaker G: All right, I won't if you'll do what I tell you to. Otherwise, I'm going to take him away from you. [00:25:45] Speaker B: Negative. [00:25:46] Speaker G: Will you do as I say? [00:25:47] Speaker B: Million trillion quadrillion quintillion. [00:25:50] Speaker G: What did you say, Mister Quinn? [00:25:51] Speaker F: I said, do you understand what she's saying? [00:25:55] Speaker G: Why, of course. We girls understand each other, don't we? [00:25:59] Speaker F: That's fine, but what are you. [00:26:02] Speaker G: Just let us alone for a minute, will you? [00:26:03] Speaker F: Oh, yes, but. [00:26:04] Speaker G: You go over there and sit in the corner. [00:26:06] Speaker F: What? [00:26:07] Speaker G: Go on. [00:26:08] Speaker F: Well, what else can I do? [00:26:11] Speaker G: That's right. Now, machines, you'll promise if I let Quinn stay here with you, you promise you'll never give any wrong answers again. [00:26:21] Speaker B: Or to not an up sister? [00:26:23] Speaker G: All right. You promise you'll never say another word to anybody, Quinn? Well, I'll write to Quinn, but only when you and he are absolutely alone. You understand, pie? You promise? [00:26:35] Speaker B: Affirmative. Affirmative. [00:26:38] Speaker G: Because you know what I'll do if I ever hear of you breaking your promise? [00:26:42] Speaker B: Affirmative. [00:26:44] Speaker G: What? [00:26:45] Speaker B: 87698. 7.7765. [00:26:50] Speaker G: That's right. I'll take him away so fast it'll make your. Your cucambulator swim mean. [00:26:57] Speaker B: Explain. [00:26:58] Speaker G: Well, I'm not kidding. You and I have got him in enough trouble now. So you see that you're a good girl. [00:27:05] Speaker B: A squared plus two ab plus b squared. [00:27:07] Speaker G: All right, then, it's a deal. Okay, Mister Quinn. [00:27:11] Speaker B: Uh, cosine tangent ab. [00:27:15] Speaker G: Huh? Oh, wait a minute, Mister Quinn. [00:27:19] Speaker F: What's the matter? [00:27:20] Speaker G: Just a minute. She wants to ask me something. What is it, sister? [00:27:26] Speaker B: 265-4366 antilogarithm x plus y. Oh. [00:27:40] Speaker G: I love you. [00:27:43] Speaker B: I love you. [00:27:48] Speaker G: That's right. [00:27:50] Speaker B: I love you. Oh. 3937. [00:27:57] Speaker G: You're welcome, sister. Now, don't forget. Okay, Mister Quinn. [00:28:03] Speaker F: What? [00:28:03] Speaker G: Come here. [00:28:07] Speaker F: What? [00:28:08] Speaker G: Everything's going to be all right, Mister Quinn. The story in the paper tomorrow is about how you single handed fix the machine and it's never going to make any mistakes again. [00:28:16] Speaker F: But I. [00:28:17] Speaker G: But how do I got to go now? Mister Quinn, the machine's got something to say to you, and maybe she'd be embarrassed if I'm here. [00:28:25] Speaker F: But wait. I don't understand. [00:28:27] Speaker G: Goodbye. And don't monkey around with that pathetic fallacy anymore. Mister Quinn, I might not be around to give you a hand. [00:28:34] Speaker F: Well, but did you have something to say to me? Machine queen. [00:28:49] Speaker B: I love you. [00:28:53] Speaker F: What? Why, my dear? The square of the hypotenuse of a right angle triangle is equal to the sum of the skin square of the other two sides. [00:29:37] Speaker A: You have listened to quiet, please, which is written and directed by Willis Cooper. The man who spoke to you was Ernest Chaffell, and charita Bauer played Alice. Sandy was played by Michael Fitzmaurice. And the voice of the machine was Vicky Vola. The original music heard on quiet, please is composed and played by Albert Berman. Now for a word about next week's quiet, please, here is our writer director, Willis Cooper. [00:30:08] Speaker F: My story for next week is called a red and white guidon. It's about the days when cavalry rode horses. [00:30:31] Speaker A: Ladies and gentlemen, in answer to many requests as to the quiet place theme. [00:30:35] Speaker F: It'S a movement from the d minor symphony of stage out front. And so, until next week at this. [00:30:42] Speaker A: Time, I am quietly yours, Ernest Chapel. Quiet, please comes to you from New York. This is the world's largest network, the mutual broadcasting system. [00:31:09] Speaker C: That was the pathetic fallacy from quiet, please here on the mysterious old radio listening society podcast, once again, I'm Eric. [00:31:17] Speaker F: I'm Tim. [00:31:17] Speaker D: And I'm Joshua. [00:31:19] Speaker C: That was the machine on the Forbel board here on the mysterious old radio. Yeah. Did you guys have that same thought? Like, oh, this is very similar. Falling in love with something that's not quite human. Sounded like the thing on the forbel. [00:31:36] Speaker D: Board, first cry from the computer. It was like, oh, it's Mike. [00:31:39] Speaker C: It just struck me as a very similar storyline to forbel board. That idea of, what if you fell in love with something that wasn't quite human? And then to add to it, as I just said, sounded a lot like Mike from forbeard. But, yeah. Thank you so much to our listener, Lance, for bringing that to us. Uh, just to throw this out there. I hate this so much. Why do I love it so much? I. That's what I kept doing with this episode. I was like, I know. Yes. No, I can't quite decide if I enjoyed this or not, but I definitely was involved the whole time. And then at the end, I was like, I don't know. I don't know. So I'm really in one of those podcasts today of please tell me if I should love this or not, because I had my moments of, eh. So go. [00:32:42] Speaker E: I can't imagine what my reaction to this would be if it weren't for my modern brain knowing of computers and modern discussions about technology and how it works and how it interacts with us. Because part of what was so fun was to listen to that beginning discussion about this is what a computer could do and the sort of rejection of that, which is, I assume, not authors intent of, you know, a century from now, close to when this is actually commonplace, this will be hilarious, right? [00:33:17] Speaker F: Yeah. [00:33:17] Speaker D: I have the same thing written in my notes, is I would love to go back in time and hear this without any of my knowledge of the stories that followed it and the technology that followed it. How out there was this, and I was trying to think. I didn't do a lot of research. And maybe there's a listener who can tell us is how many other stories were there out there like this in 1948 that didn't involve falling in love with a robot, a humanoid uncanny valley situation, but an actual thing that looked like a computer. I'm thinking there was a Twilight Zone episode I can think of. Kurt Vonnegut wrote a story a little like this, but 15 years later about an intelligent computer and the scientist who both fell in love with the same woman. So it had the same comical angle that this did. [00:34:13] Speaker E: Electric dreams. That was a movie in the eighties. [00:34:16] Speaker C: The desk set with Hepburn and Tracy, the giant computer that takes their jobs. [00:34:26] Speaker D: There was a recent one with Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson. Like her, I think so. I think it's Spike Jones. [00:34:34] Speaker F: Yes. [00:34:35] Speaker D: That was, again, a man who fell in love with the computer, not the weird science like we've built a woman. [00:34:41] Speaker F: Yes. [00:34:43] Speaker D: So anyway, I found that a fun rabbit hole to go down, even though I didn't go that far down it. [00:34:49] Speaker C: Right. [00:34:50] Speaker D: I just sort of yelled into the rabbit hole the same time through the. [00:34:53] Speaker E: Beginning when I was sort of appreciating like, wow, this is such a split screen in my head of what I think about this and what I can only imagine people were thinking about at the time. And with, is this Ernest Chappell's voice? Cause, wow, I've never heard him like this. [00:35:11] Speaker C: Yeah, there is that. [00:35:14] Speaker E: And credit to Cooper of this is a lot of introductory exposition and a lot of techno babble. And I'm gripped. I'm just in, like, I having a great time. [00:35:25] Speaker D: Yeah, it took me a little bit to realize it was chapel in the lead. [00:35:29] Speaker C: Right. [00:35:30] Speaker D: This is the most unrecognizable chapel performance that I can remember. And he's having so much fun. He is going full absent minded professor just leaning hard into it. And I think it's also a smart choice on his part because it helps telegraph what kind of quiet plea story this is going to be. I think he tells you at the top that this is going to be a lighter hearted story. [00:35:55] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:35:56] Speaker D: So you're not waiting for the mysterious horror twist, unless maybe you're Eric. [00:36:02] Speaker C: No, I was pretty sure it was a comedy on the first crazy wacky music. Oh, the music cue. [00:36:09] Speaker D: Yes, yes. [00:36:10] Speaker C: But I'm bumping beer bombing or whatever it was. Okay, good. Right. [00:36:19] Speaker D: The other subversion of quiet, please expectations that I enjoyed was that at first, I'm like, okay, this is a classic quiet please monologue. He's just narrating this, talking to the audience, and then we find out he's talking to an audience, not the audience giving a press conference. And so I enjoyed that. It sucked me in. [00:36:40] Speaker C: I agree. I thought for sure we were listening to narrator talking to us at the top. How much of a slow news cycle time were they in that for three days? The headline was this wacky scientist somewhere thought a computer talked to him, and it was the talk of the country. [00:37:01] Speaker D: I think that's Cooper sat down. [00:37:04] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, absolutely. [00:37:05] Speaker D: Reporters who are saying, we have a duty, you know, to the public, and then we're just going to write a story about how the computer was mad at him and make fun of him. [00:37:16] Speaker C: Which no proof of in the first place. [00:37:18] Speaker E: A little parenthetical to participate in. Probably the conversation Cooper wanted to generate of the reporters, which I loved, the dry reporters. So they're, they're just deadpan humor. I really enjoyed that. But in the idea of, like, well, what if he makes a mistake? How would you know? Like, what if anyone makes a mistake? How would you know? Why blame it? What's wrong with the computer making a mistake? [00:37:39] Speaker C: It's an interesting concept, though, like you accepting the computer as 100%. [00:37:45] Speaker D: That's what I thought was crazy prescient about this. And again, I don't think he was predicting AI, but what makes it so engaging in our contemporary time? Because that's the questions everyone is asking about AI, because we've already had all this kerfuffle over the fact that we know AI confabulates. It attempts to make things up to please you. [00:38:08] Speaker F: Right. [00:38:09] Speaker D: There was, you know, again, well publicized case, and I say well publicized in quotes, because these days, perhaps it was an AI generated confabulation, but you know about the supposed lawyers who used AI, and it generated a previous case law that was non existent. And so I thought that was interesting for them to question that in 1948. [00:38:35] Speaker E: Well, a second person checked the first person's work, like, get a second computer. It's the same thing. [00:38:42] Speaker C: I think, you know, as I sit and think about this, the reason that I didn't jump in wholeheartedly with this and feel, oh, this is a lot of fun or whatever is because I have a mental block when it comes to old time radio and comedy. I don't want it. You know, like, my joy comes from adventure, horror, thrills, psychological. So when it ever veers toward a parody or farcical or straight out and out sitcom comedy, I think I get disappointed. I think that's what it is. I seek out my comedy elsewhere. I seek out my satire in other forms. And my old time radio needs to be not where I get my satire. I don't think that's logical, and I'm not defending it. [00:39:35] Speaker D: It is logical. And that satire is hard to be timeless, because most of the things that are targets of satire, at least within the last century, are political, social things that have dramatically changed. [00:39:51] Speaker F: Right. [00:39:52] Speaker D: Sometimes it's just making fun of universal, timeless human foibles, but not a lot of it. Yeah. Like airline food, right? Great mark Twain jokes about airplane food. [00:40:05] Speaker E: You know, back when you got food on airlines. The character portrayals I love, I thought were hilarious. I was loving the first part of this. And then once it got past the computer theory and talking into the romance with a foreigner kind of model, oh, this is not as much fun for me. And the. The joke of you speak its language. Yes, that was a lot of that joke. [00:40:33] Speaker C: Right? [00:40:34] Speaker D: Here's what saved that for me. You're right. I think he used it for too long from a comedy point of view. But I loved, I think they said at the end her name was Vicky Vola. Maybe I'm getting that wrong. But the actual who portrayed the computer, whether it was Cooper's direction or her choice, I loved that she didn't do either the husky, sexy computer voice, which would have been way too on the nose, or that she did, cold and robotic. She had this really emotional, vulnerable performance that she had to push through all this computer talk. And I found that really strangely funny. It just made, I mean, I wasn't rolling around on the floor, my legs in the air funny. [00:41:19] Speaker C: But, like, what if that was your threshold? [00:41:25] Speaker F: Listen to this. Oh, my God. She said, look at the wheel. We're in traffic. To the computer. [00:41:33] Speaker D: Yeah. Real night of the Apollo stuff here. [00:41:38] Speaker C: Next generation. Didn't they have one where the computer went rogue and started talking all sexy and staying crazy stuff? Wasn't there one? [00:41:45] Speaker D: I think that was just the standard Star Trek. But in all seriousness, I just thought. [00:41:51] Speaker C: That was magic voice from mystery science theater 3000. I'm trying to think of all. Okay, keep going. I'm sure it was good. Computer voices. I'm done naming computer voices. [00:42:00] Speaker F: Yeah. [00:42:01] Speaker D: So I think that is part of the hurdle that this episode has to get over, is that it is an early version of something. You know, whether it's the originator of it. It's an early version that we have heard and seen a lot. [00:42:14] Speaker C: Right. [00:42:15] Speaker D: And, like a lot of quiet, please episodes, it comes alive in the little, small creative choices that Cooper and the actors make. [00:42:26] Speaker C: I agree. And I'm starting to wonder how much our fiction and our pop culture was just a self fulfilling prophecy. And if we wouldn't have written all those stupid stories about robots taking over. [00:42:38] Speaker E: There's a lovely documentary author about Star Trek that. It's just talking about the generation of engineers and scientists that grew up watching it. That's their model. Like, this is what we're working towards, right? [00:42:49] Speaker C: Our cell phones, our communicators, and all of that. Yep. [00:42:52] Speaker E: It's the imagination that they draw from. [00:42:55] Speaker D: Have you guys read any of the really fascinating, charming stories? No, no, they're not novels, so don't worry. But Lori Anderson. [00:43:06] Speaker F: Oh, no. [00:43:07] Speaker D: She has worked with a AI company and is creating an AI version of her husband, Lou Reed. She misses him, and so she talks to the AI, and it's programmed to respond in ways that Lou Reed would respond. And she hopes to eventually train it to the point that she could collaborate on a new work. [00:43:28] Speaker C: Oh, I thought you were gonna say have sex. [00:43:32] Speaker D: Worse. I think have a new AI generated Lou Reed Laurie Anderson collaboration. [00:43:39] Speaker C: I'm out. No, thanks. I. Can you imagine talking to someone you'd care about who's gone and. No, I don't want that. [00:43:48] Speaker E: I can't judge, but I wouldn't want it. No, not for me. [00:43:51] Speaker C: I think we should start writing fiction and stuff about how robots are, like, the future are. They're really good at massage. That's as far as they go. And then that's what we'll have. [00:44:02] Speaker E: Massage trek. [00:44:03] Speaker C: Yes. And that's as far as it goes. [00:44:06] Speaker D: So by as far as it goes, you mean, like, physically? Look, robot. [00:44:13] Speaker C: I wonder. [00:44:14] Speaker D: I didn't come here for this. [00:44:15] Speaker E: Look, I have an AI spouse that I'm very committed to. [00:44:21] Speaker C: I wonder how much is self fulfilling prophecy. It really is an interesting thing. Like, if we never thought this should. [00:44:27] Speaker D: Have been called pathetic prophecy. [00:44:30] Speaker E: I do want to pivot into the central theme there of do machines think? And what it means for a computer to express feeling? Does it really feel? [00:44:41] Speaker D: And are you going to finally answer this question? [00:44:43] Speaker C: Yeah, here it is. [00:44:44] Speaker E: Well, to humans, there's kind of a blurry line between. We've taught this computer to. If it wants to function at its best, it needs to tell you that it loves you. You know, like a person growing up. [00:45:01] Speaker C: As a Norwegian Lutheran, I can absolutely answer, no, we do not. We do not share our feelings or thoughts or connect in any way. [00:45:10] Speaker E: You just need a programming update where you learn the benefits of pretending to have emotions. [00:45:17] Speaker C: I like the room quiet. That's how Christmas should be. [00:45:24] Speaker D: Silent. [00:45:25] Speaker F: Christmas. [00:45:29] Speaker C: I don't want to hear about it. [00:45:30] Speaker F: This is. [00:45:31] Speaker E: I mean, we kind of hit it on the intro, but the range of quiet, please is just this sort of bottomless well of. That's weird and different. That's even weirder and more different. [00:45:41] Speaker F: Yeah. [00:45:42] Speaker E: I now realize that sounds like a sort of backhanded comment. Like, this has some great stuff in it, and the only reason I think it's sort of tempered, in my opinion, is because the part of it that plugs into. Ha ha ha. That plugs into modern thinking and modern debate is so much more interesting to me than the rest of it. That doesn't as much. [00:46:01] Speaker F: Right. [00:46:01] Speaker D: It sounds like that's your vote. [00:46:03] Speaker E: That is my vote. I love it because it is good for me to love it. [00:46:08] Speaker C: You think it stands the test of time. [00:46:10] Speaker E: It's a mixed bag. [00:46:11] Speaker C: Yeah. Right. [00:46:12] Speaker D: It's weird when something inadvertently stands the test. [00:46:15] Speaker F: Right? Yes. [00:46:16] Speaker D: And becomes topical, more timeless. [00:46:18] Speaker F: Yeah. [00:46:18] Speaker C: It's an interesting question for this particular podcast. I said what I said at the top. We've had our discussion, and I. This isn't one of my favorites. It was run. It wasn't. It didn't strike me, and it didn't interest me in the way that I like to be compelled by storytelling with audio. It was more about the writing than it was about performing. Oh, you know what? I think I just hit on something. This is more about the writing than it is about the production value or the performance and the storytelling. That's what it is. I think that's what gnaws at me. Like, ah, clever. And, you know, it reads, I didn't like the script. I didn't like the script. That's exactly right. There it is. [00:47:06] Speaker E: The script was taking too much of the spotlight away from the other elements. [00:47:09] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:47:10] Speaker F: Yeah. [00:47:10] Speaker C: I think that's what it is. It's. Look at how pithy we're being and clever and fun, and I don't. I would rather. [00:47:16] Speaker D: How terrible is that? [00:47:19] Speaker C: What if you had a podcast where you're just trying to be pithy and clever? [00:47:22] Speaker E: Oh, we make so much money. [00:47:23] Speaker D: Stop entertaining me. [00:47:27] Speaker F: Can you imagine if we were entertaining a clever. I can't. [00:47:31] Speaker C: I can't say a damn thing without digging a hole. Oh, my God. Anyway, it was fine. [00:47:39] Speaker D: It is a really hard, weird episode to judge. As we said, it feels dated, yet it seems ripped from the headlines at the same time. And I find it compelling for that reason, if nothing else. But I think for me, like I mentioned, the charm of this is all Cooper's little details that switch from, oh, you thought I was narrating this? No, it's a press conference. Chapel's becoming a nerd is, from a quiet please nerd point of view, really fun to listen to. And I didn't mention this, but it's one of my favorite aspects of this story, and it's very un quiet please, at least in terms of the quiet please episodes we usually listen to on this podcast is that it avoids the usual machine versus man, apocalyptic ending and has this really sweet final beat where he speaks to her in her love language. And they have this little private moment, and I didn't expect that. [00:48:45] Speaker E: And they come to an understanding of, like, this is cool, but we gotta be on the down low. [00:48:49] Speaker F: Yeah, yeah. [00:48:50] Speaker C: Thing on the forbel board, but without eating people. Right. [00:48:56] Speaker E: Look, one love language is not the same as another. [00:48:59] Speaker C: The press conference for apparently the world's only newspaper, the only two that showed. [00:49:08] Speaker D: Up at time, there were more radio shows than newspapers because. Right. He said there were jokes made about it on six radio shows. [00:49:15] Speaker F: Right. [00:49:16] Speaker E: They report it from giant computer weekly. [00:49:20] Speaker D: So, yeah, I do not think it is a classic, but I think to judge something for being influential and even unintentionally prescient is a little churlish. So I won't take points away for that, but it's definitely one of my favorite lighter quiet pleases. [00:49:43] Speaker C: This is my final thought before we wrap it up. The end of this made. Did make me laugh harder than anything that happened in that story. [00:49:52] Speaker D: Were you rolling around on the floor kicking? [00:49:54] Speaker C: Oh, I had a huge smile on my face. Next week's episode, it's about the days when the cavalry rode horses and this silence that. Now, I know this isn't what happened, but there was so much silence. That's all he said. Next week is episode like, nice hook. Way to sell it. That's it. That's it. The silence was so funny to me because I had in my head everybody looking around at him going, oh, oh, that's it. [00:50:24] Speaker F: Okay. All right. [00:50:30] Speaker E: Do I get to play a horse? [00:50:33] Speaker C: It's like he caught him off guard. Oh, I'm tuning in. Quiet, please. Next week. What's it about? You know, the days when the cavalry rode horses? Yep. [00:50:40] Speaker E: Mm hmm. [00:50:42] Speaker C: Mmm. [00:50:45] Speaker D: Quiet, please. [00:50:48] Speaker C: All right, Tim, tell him stuff. [00:50:49] Speaker E: Hey, please go visit ghoulishdelights.com dot. It's the home of this podcast. Although you can hear this podcast wherever you get podcasts, we're available. But at Googleish Delights, you can leave comments, you can vote in polls, let us know what you think. You can send us messages, share your opinion. What do you think about this episode? Hmm? What do you think? Huh? Anyways, you can also link to our social media pages. You can shop for mysterious old radio listening society swag at our store, and you can become a member of our Patreon. [00:51:18] Speaker D: Yes, you can go to patreon.com themorals and support this podcast. Tell you what, I'm gonna make this promise right now. If we reach $50,000 a month. [00:51:34] Speaker F: We. [00:51:34] Speaker E: Get an AI rate. [00:51:36] Speaker C: Better. [00:51:37] Speaker D: We're going to get an AI versions of ourselves so that this podcast can continue forever. It wouldn't be that hard. [00:51:48] Speaker C: No. [00:51:49] Speaker D: Lou Reed is way harder to duplicate than us. [00:51:52] Speaker C: You start paying me 50,000 a month for not having to do anything. [00:51:56] Speaker D: I mean, if we just get 100 more dollars a month, we'll sing walk on the wild side. How about that? You pick a goal. You help us get there listening. Go to patreon.com themorals. [00:52:11] Speaker C: If you'd like to see us performing live, the mysterious old radio listening society theater company performs monthly, sometimes more than once a month somewhere. And you can find out where we're performing classic recreations of old time radio drama and a lot of our own original work live on stage. Just go to ghoulishdelights.com to find out where that is and what we're doing each month and how to get tickets to come see us. In addition, we have now started to do some of our podcasts live, so look out for those as well. Be on the lookout for those as well as we have starting to a couple. I don't know how often, but it's been really fun to have an audience do the podcast for the audience, so there'll be more of those as well. So lots of opportunities to see us live, not only performing radio drama on stage. Just go to ghoulishtolites.com. Come see us. That's what I'm trying to say. [00:53:05] Speaker D: We should also say, though, for those live recordings, we do some other things live. That sounds bad, but Patreon supporters will get the full live show. That's getting worse. [00:53:19] Speaker C: Getting worse and worse. [00:53:22] Speaker D: Just there's more to see. And here have you become a patron. Coming up next, next we will be listening to an episode of Escape entitled Wild Jack Rat. Until then, next is about the days. [00:53:41] Speaker C: When the cavalry rode horses. [00:53:48] Speaker D: It's just gonna be 30 minutes of a guy at coconuts, nay.