Episode 347: The Lifeboat Mutiny

[00:00:16] Speaker A: The mysterious old Radio Listening Society podcast welcome to the mysterious old Radio Listening Society, a podcast dedicated to suspense, crime, and horror stories from the golden age of radio. I'm Eric. [00:00:36] Speaker B: I'm Tim. [00:00:37] Speaker C: And I'm Joshua. [00:00:38] Speaker B: We love mysterious old time radio stories, but do they stand the test of time? That's what we're here to find out. [00:00:43] Speaker C: This week we present the Lifeboat mutiny from X Minus one, an episode selected by our Patreon supporter, Evan. [00:00:52] Speaker A: X minus one premiered on NBC Radio April 24, 1955. The first 15 episodes recycled scripts from Dimension X, a short lived science fiction anthology from 1950. The rest of the program's three year run featured new scripts, some adapted from popular science fiction stories of the day and others originating from the minds of NBC staff writers Ernest Kanhoye and George Lefferts. In total, X minus one produced 126 episodes, including stories from Philip K. Dick, Frederick Paul, Isaac Asimov, Theodore Sturgeon, and Ray Bradbury. [00:01:29] Speaker B: The lifeboat mutiny is based on a short story by Robert Sheckley. Over the course of his 50 year writing career, Sheckley penned 26 novels and more than 400 short stories. His work was known for its satirical edge and dark humor, prompting many contemporary readers to name Sheckley as a forerunner of Douglas Adams, author of the influential Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In Sheckley's obituary, the New York Times contrasted this Sheckleyan view of the future with the work of another science fiction luminary, Ray Bradbury, concluding, while Mister Bradbury poetically mourns the failure to live up to our dreams, Mister Sheckley mocked the self delusions that lead to dreams in the first place. [00:02:05] Speaker C: Beyond radio, Sheckley's stories appeared on both the small and big screen. His story 7th victim was adapted into the film the 10th Victim in 1965, and his novel Immortality, Inc. Was loosely, very loosely adapted into the film Freejack in 1992. After Sheckley's death in 2005, his short story Watchbird was adapted as the 6th and final episode of the ABC television series masters of science fiction. [00:02:35] Speaker A: And now let's listen to lifeboat mutiny from X minus one, first broadcast September 11, 1956. [00:02:44] Speaker B: It's late at night and a chill has set in. You're alone and the only light you see is coming from an antique radio. Listen to the sound coming from the speaker. Listen to the music and listen to the voices. [00:02:59] Speaker D: Countdown for blast off. X minus 5432 x minus one fire from the far horizons of the unknown come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future adventures in which you'll live in a million could be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science fiction magazine presents one, one. [00:03:58] Speaker A: One. [00:04:08] Speaker D: This week, the police chiefs of the country are meeting in Chicago for the 63rd annual conference of the International association of Chiefs of Police. Tonight, x minus one is proud to salute them as we present the lifeboat mutiny. By Robert Shackley. [00:04:44] Speaker E: Of course, we should have known better. In a way, we were asking for it, but frankly, we were short of credits, and beggars can't be choosers. As a rule, I don't like secondhand equipment, not if I have to trust my life to it. But Joe, the interstellar junk man can be pretty persuasive. He has an air of confidence when he walks down between the rows of antique jalopies on his lot and pats an airlock door lovingly or kicks a the ground gyros to show how firm they are. Joe exudes faith the way trees drip SAP in the spring and if you get too close, a little rubs off on you. [00:05:18] Speaker F: Yeah, you see? Solid as a rock. Look at that plating. I'm telling you, this boat is a real buy. [00:05:24] Speaker E: She looks pretty old. [00:05:25] Speaker F: Sure, she's old. [00:05:27] Speaker G: Now, don't give us that story about it belonging to a little old lady who used it to flit to church on Sundays. [00:05:32] Speaker F: Now, look, boys, I'm not trying to unload something on you. I don't stand to make a nickel on this, but tell me the truth. Did you ever hear sweeter engines? And look at those servos. Pretty old, that hull. I bet it's 500 years old and not a spot of corrosion on it. I'm telling you, you're lucky it's a coincidence, you two fellas coming in, you need a lifeboat, and sitting right here waiting for you like you was made for each other, is this baby. [00:06:00] Speaker G: She certainly does seem rather nice. What do you think about it, Nick? [00:06:05] Speaker E: It does look pretty good. It's about what we need for the ocean survey work on Trident. But you know, Joe. [00:06:11] Speaker F: Ah, they just don't build them this way anymore. Look at that propulsion unit. You couldn't den it with a trip hammer. And note the capacity of the cooling system. [00:06:20] Speaker E: It looks good, but some of these old machines, you know, I just want to make absolutely sure it's safe. [00:06:25] Speaker F: Safe? [00:06:27] Speaker A: Safe? [00:06:27] Speaker F: He asked me if it's safe. [00:06:29] Speaker E: Is it? [00:06:30] Speaker F: Now step inside. Go ahead. Step inside. All right, push that button right there on the instrument panel. [00:06:45] Speaker E: This one? [00:06:48] Speaker H: I am lifeboat 324 a. [00:06:50] Speaker E: Hey, the darn thing taught. [00:06:53] Speaker G: Yeah, and in English, too. [00:06:54] Speaker F: It's equipped with a universal translator, completely automatic. I told you, they just don't build them this way anymore. Go ahead, push the button again. [00:07:06] Speaker H: I am lifeboat 324 a. My primary purpose is to preserve those within me from peril and to maintain them in good health. At present, I am only partially activated. [00:07:17] Speaker F: Would anything be safer? This is no senseless hunk of metal. This boat will look after you. This boat cares. [00:07:25] Speaker E: I don't know. The idea of an emotional machine always gets me. I can't even stand those robot maitre D's. They keep slobbering over you every time you go into a restaurant with their tubes just pouring. Kindness and consideration. [00:07:37] Speaker G: Ah, you're a reactionary. We'll take it. [00:07:39] Speaker F: You won't be sorry, boys. You just bought yourselves a lifeboat. [00:07:54] Speaker E: Joe delivered this assurance in the frank and open tones that had helped make him a millionaire several times over. It wasn't that he was dishonest, far from it all the flotsam he collected from anywhere in the universe worked. But ancient machines often had their own idea of how a job should be done. They tend to get peevish when forced into another routine. [00:08:20] Speaker G: Well, there she goes. Lifeboat 324 a. I got her down in the afterhold. I think she's in perfect condition. You know, it's just what we need for those oceans on Trident. [00:08:28] Speaker E: I hope so. The last thing I bought from Joe was an electric razor, only it turned out that it came from Deneb three, where they are slightly reptilian and an electric razor is used to help them change their skin in the hot months. If you remember, I was in the hospital three months and after the skin grafts, I don't know my ears from my elbow. This job we were on was to survey the planet trident for a real estate speculator who bought it for subdivision. Trident was about the size of Mars, but with a far better climate. There was no native indigenous population, no poisonous plants and no germ borne diseases. As a matter of fact, apart from one small island and one small polar ice cap, the entire planet was covered with water. There was no real shortage of land. You could wade across some of Trident's several seas. Our firm had been hired to survey and plan a little mountain raising because the sector council frowned on selling building lots under 4ft of water. We landed on Trident and launched the lifeboat. [00:09:39] Speaker G: Okay, I got the sandwiches in the water ready to cast off. [00:09:42] Speaker E: Aye aye, sir. All mooring lines are on board. [00:09:45] Speaker G: All right, let's crank this swan boat up and get going. [00:09:47] Speaker E: Well, push that button. [00:09:49] Speaker G: Aye aye. [00:09:51] Speaker H: I am lifeboat 324 a. My primary purpose is to preserve those within me from peril and to maintain them in good health. At present, I am only partially activated. For full activity, press button two. [00:10:07] Speaker E: There it is, right next to the first one. Well, something's going on back there. Sounds like motors warming up. Hey, that sounds like a short circuit somewhere. You know, there's no wheel on this thing. [00:10:27] Speaker G: Oh, wait a minute. There's got to be some kind of tiller or control what you look. [00:10:32] Speaker E: That's all there are, two buttons. [00:10:33] Speaker G: Well, then maybe she controls telepathically. [00:10:37] Speaker E: I'll try it. Hey, 324 a, go ahead. Slowly. [00:10:48] Speaker G: Ah, there she goes. That's it. [00:10:50] Speaker E: Starboard a little. [00:10:55] Speaker G: Wait a minute. I still don't like the sound of that. I bet there's a short somewhere. I'm going down to look for it with a circuit tester. [00:11:00] Speaker E: Don't louse anything up. I like a boat that works this way. Gives me a sense of power. Hey, 324 a, full speed ahead. Arnold disappeared into the bilge with a circuit tester, and I handled the survey. Actually, our machines did all the work, tracing the major faults in the ocean bottom, locating the most promising volcanoes. When the survey was complete, the next stage would be turned over to the subcontractor. He would wire the volcanoes, seed the faults and touch the whole thing off. After that, there'd be enough dry land on Trident for anybody by mid afternoon. I figured we could knock off for a while. We ate our sandwiches, took a drink of water from the canteen, and then had ourselves a swim in Trident's clear green water. [00:11:51] Speaker G: Hey, give me a hand up. [00:11:53] Speaker E: There we are. That was very refreshing. [00:11:57] Speaker G: Oh, yeah. I'll have to get this grease off with sandpaper, but I think I found the trouble. You see, the leads to the primary activator have been removed and the power cable's been cut. [00:12:06] Speaker E: Well, why would anyone do that? [00:12:08] Speaker G: Well, it might have been part of the decommissioning, but I got it hooked up now. Go ahead, hit the second button. Might as well have this thing working, right? [00:12:14] Speaker E: Okay, here she goes. [00:12:34] Speaker H: I am lifeboat 324 a. I am now fully activated and able to protect my occupants from danger. Have faith in me. My action response tapes, both psychological and physical, have been prepared by the best scientific minds in all drone. [00:12:51] Speaker G: Ah, that's more like it, huh? Gives you a feeling of confidence, doesn't it? [00:12:55] Speaker E: I suppose so. But where is drome. [00:12:58] Speaker H: Gentlemen, try to think of me not as an unfeeling mechanism, but as your friend and comrade in arms. I understand how you feel. You have seen your ship go down, cruelly riddled by the implacable hugen. [00:13:13] Speaker E: What ship? What's it talking about? [00:13:14] Speaker H: You have crawled aboard me, dazed, gasping from the poisonous fumes of water, half dead. [00:13:22] Speaker G: Oh, no. Wait a minute. You mean that swim we took? You got it all wrong. We were just surveying. [00:13:26] Speaker H: Half dead, shocked, wounded, morale low. You are a little frightened, perhaps, and, well, you might be separated from the drome fleet and adrift upon an alien planet. A little fear is nothing to be ashamed of, gentlemen. But this is war, and war is a cruel business. And we have no alternative but to drive the barbaric again across space. [00:13:49] Speaker E: There must be a reasonable explanation for all this. [00:13:52] Speaker G: Probably an old television script got mixed up in its response bank. [00:13:55] Speaker E: We better give it a complete overhaul. We can't listen to that stuff all day. [00:13:58] Speaker G: Well, we're about a quarter of a mile from the island. Ah, I tell you what. I'll take it down and clean the goo out of the contacts when we get there. [00:14:09] Speaker E: Hey, what's going on? [00:14:11] Speaker G: We're stopping. [00:14:12] Speaker E: Hey. [00:14:13] Speaker G: Hey. Lifeboat. [00:14:14] Speaker H: Quiet. Calm. Trust in me. I am scanning the island. [00:14:20] Speaker G: What's he talking about, scanning me? [00:14:23] Speaker E: Better humor, lifeboat. That island's okay. We checked it personally. [00:14:28] Speaker H: Perhaps you did, but in modern lightning quick warfare, drone senses cannot be trusted. They are too limited, too prone to interpret what they wish. Electronic senses, on the other hand, are emotionless, eternally vigilant and infallible within their limits. [00:14:47] Speaker E: But there isn't anything there. [00:14:48] Speaker H: I perceive a foreign spaceship on the island. [00:14:52] Speaker G: Oh, that's our ship. [00:14:54] Speaker H: It has no drome markings. [00:14:57] Speaker G: Well, it hasn't any enemy markings either. I painted it myself. [00:15:00] Speaker H: In war, we must assume that what is not ours is the enemy's. I understand your desire to set foot on land again, but I take into account factors that a drone motivated by his emotions would overlook. Consider the apparent emptiness of the strategic bit of land. The unmarked spaceship put temptingly out for bait the fact that our fleet is no longer in this vicinity. [00:15:26] Speaker E: All right, all right, that's enough. Now, I'm tired of arguing with you. Go directly to that island. That's an order. [00:15:31] Speaker H: I cannot obey that order. You are unbalanced from your harrowing escape from death. [00:15:38] Speaker G: All right, all right. Enough of this nonsense. I'm just gonna take that cut off switch and. [00:15:44] Speaker H: Come to your senses. Gentlemen, only the decommissioning officer is empowered to turn me off. For your own safety, I must warn you not to touch any of my controls. You are mentally unbalanced. Later, when our position is safer, I will administer to you. Now, my full energies must be devoted towards detection and escape from the enemy. [00:16:15] Speaker E: Where are we going? [00:16:16] Speaker H: To rejoin the Drome fleet, as soon as I can find it. [00:16:27] Speaker E: We sailed over the empty seas of Trident for the rest of the afternoon and far into the night. At about midnight, we sat in the cabin sharing our last sandwich. The lifeboat was still rushing madly over the waves, its every electronic sense alert, searching for a fleet that had existed 500 years ago upon an entirely different planet. [00:16:51] Speaker G: Oh, why didn't I pack more sandwiches? [00:16:55] Speaker E: Did you ever hear of these drones? [00:16:57] Speaker G: Yeah, vaguely. They were non human, lizard evolved creatures. Yeah, they lived on the 6th planet of some little system near Capella. The race died out over a century ago. [00:17:10] Speaker E: And the Hagen, what about them? [00:17:13] Speaker G: Also lizard. Same story. Wasn't a very important war, you know. All the combatants are gone. Except this lifeboat, apparently. [00:17:20] Speaker E: And us. We've been drafted as drone soldiery. Do you think we can reason with this, Tom? [00:17:26] Speaker G: No, I don't. See. As far as this boat is concerned, the war is still on. It can only interpret data in terms of that premise. [00:17:33] Speaker E: It's probably listening in on us now. [00:17:35] Speaker G: No, no, I don't think so. See, it's not really a mind reader. Its perception senses are geared only to thoughts aimed specifically at it. [00:17:42] Speaker E: Yes, Siri, they just don't build them this way anymore. Oh, I wish I could get my hands on Joe. [00:17:47] Speaker G: You know, it's actually a very interesting situation. The machine is acting very logically upon no longer existent conditions. Therefore, you could say that the machine is the. Well, the victim of a systematized delusion. [00:18:01] Speaker E: You mean the lifeboat is just plain insane? [00:18:03] Speaker G: I believe paranoia would be the proper designation. Ah, but it'll end pretty soon. [00:18:08] Speaker E: Why? [00:18:09] Speaker G: It's obvious. The boat's prime objective is to keep us alive. Our sandwiches are gone, and the only other food is on the island. I figure it'll have to take a chance and go back. [00:18:18] Speaker H: Gentlemen, at present, I am unable to locate the drome fleet. Therefore, I am turning back to scan the island again. Fortunately, there are no enemies in this immediate area, so I can devote myself to your care. [00:18:33] Speaker G: Oh, you see, it's about time you got around to us. [00:18:35] Speaker E: We're hungry, fetus. [00:18:37] Speaker H: Of course. Immediately. There you are. On the train. [00:18:47] Speaker G: What's that? [00:18:49] Speaker E: That looks like clay. [00:18:53] Speaker G: Oh, it smells like machine oil. Hey, what's it supposed to be? [00:18:57] Speaker H: That is giesel. It's the staple diet of the drone people. I can prepare it in 16 different ways. [00:19:06] Speaker G: Try it. [00:19:07] Speaker E: All right. Mmm. It tastes like clay coated with machine oil. We can't eat that? [00:19:15] Speaker H: Of course you can. An adult drone consumes 5.3 pounds of geesel a day and cries for more. [00:19:25] Speaker G: Now, listen. We are not drones. We are humans, an entirely different species. The war you think you're fighting ended 500 years ago. We can't eat Giesel. Our food is on the island. [00:19:35] Speaker H: Ah, yes. Your delusion is a common one among fighting men. It is an escape factory fantasy, a retreat from an intolerable situation. Gentlemen, I beg you, face reality. [00:19:48] Speaker E: You face reality, or I'll have you dismantled bolt by bolt. [00:19:51] Speaker H: Threats do not disturb me. I know what you've been through. Possibly you've suffered some brain damage from your exposure to poisonous water. [00:20:02] Speaker G: Poisonous to drones? [00:20:04] Speaker H: If absolutely necessary, I am also equipped to perform physical brain therapy. It is a drastic measure, but there can be no coddling in time of war. You see, you need not worry. All my scalpels are razor sharp and ready for immediate action. [00:20:23] Speaker E: Oh, scalpels, huh? Well, we're feeling better already. It's a fine looking batch of Giesel, isn't it, Arnold? [00:20:30] Speaker G: Oh, delicious. [00:20:31] Speaker H: Nothing is too good for our boys in uniformity. Do try a little. [00:20:36] Speaker E: Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, that's delicious. [00:20:41] Speaker H: Good. I am moving toward the island now, and I promise you, in a little while, you will be more comfortable. Why, the temperature here is unbearably hot. It is amazing you haven't gone into a coma. Any other drone would have. Soon I'll have it down to drone norm of 20 degrees below zero. And now I'll play our national anthem. [00:21:35] Speaker E: Arnold. [00:21:36] Speaker G: What? [00:21:37] Speaker E: I'm cold. [00:21:38] Speaker G: Well, you should be very comfortable. Drones live at 20 below zero. We're drones. And no back talk. [00:21:44] Speaker E: Those cooling tubes are all frosting up. [00:21:46] Speaker G: Yeah, I just wrote my name in. Frost in the porthole. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got an idea. Just follow my lead. [00:21:53] Speaker E: Why not? Lead on, fellow drone. [00:21:55] Speaker A: Ahh. [00:21:56] Speaker G: Give me the canteen. [00:21:58] Speaker H: What are you doing? [00:22:00] Speaker G: Ah, just, uh. Just gonna get a little exercise. Gotta stay fit. You know that is true. Ah, here you are, boy. [00:22:07] Speaker C: Catch. [00:22:07] Speaker E: Look out. That canteen's heavy. [00:22:09] Speaker G: Ah, just throw it right back, boy. Just heave it right in. Come on, let's see your curve. [00:22:15] Speaker H: Be careful with that receptacle. It's filled with a deadly poison water. [00:22:20] Speaker G: Oh, we'll be careful. Here we go. [00:22:26] Speaker E: Bad shot, old man. [00:22:27] Speaker G: How careless of me. I seem to have broken the cooling tubes. Cooling fluid all over the floor. [00:22:33] Speaker H: I should have taken precaution against internal accidents. It won't happen again. But the situation is very serious. I cannot repair the cooling tube. Myself, I am unable to properly cool the boat. [00:22:47] Speaker G: Say that now if you'll just drop us on the island. [00:22:51] Speaker H: That is impossible. My first duty is to preserve your lives. And you couldn't live long in the climate of this planet. But I'm going to take necessary precautions to ensure your safety. [00:23:02] Speaker E: What are you going to do? [00:23:03] Speaker H: There is no time to waste. I will scan the island once more. If our drome forces are not present, we will go to the one place on the planet that can sustain drone life. [00:23:15] Speaker E: What place? [00:23:16] Speaker H: The southern polar ice cap. The climate there is almost ideal 30 degrees below zero. And of course, I must guard against any further internal accidents. So I will lock you gentlemen in the cabin. [00:23:45] Speaker G: Think. [00:23:47] Speaker E: I am thinking. Nothing's coming out. [00:23:50] Speaker G: We've got to get off. When he reaches the island, it'll be our last chance. [00:23:53] Speaker E: Now look, we know his internal scanning isn't very good. When we reach the island, maybe we could cut his power cable. [00:24:00] Speaker G: You couldn't get within 5ft of it. He's got an electric charge on all the controls. [00:24:04] Speaker H: I am now scanning the island. [00:24:07] Speaker G: Uh, place looks fine today. [00:24:09] Speaker E: Oh, sure does. I'll bet our forces are dug in underground. [00:24:12] Speaker H: They are not. I scan to a depth of 100ft. [00:24:17] Speaker G: Well, uh, under the circumstances, I think we should examine it a little more carefully. [00:24:22] Speaker H: It is deserted. I cannot let you endanger your lives by going ashore. Drome needs her soldiers, especially sturdy, heat resistant types like you. [00:24:34] Speaker G: We like this climate. [00:24:36] Speaker H: Spoken like a patriot. I know you must be suffering. But now I am going to the South Pole to give you veterans the rest you deserve. [00:24:45] Speaker E: Wait a minute. You don't understand. We are operating under special orders. We weren't supposed to disclose them to any vessel below the rank of super dreadnought. We're a suicide squad. [00:24:55] Speaker G: Yes, yes, that's right. Especially trained for hot climate war. [00:24:58] Speaker E: Our orders are to land and secure that island for the drome forces. [00:25:02] Speaker H: I didn't know that. [00:25:04] Speaker E: You weren't supposed to. After all, you're only a lifeboat. [00:25:07] Speaker G: Land us at once. [00:25:09] Speaker H: I couldn't guess, you know. All right. We'll head for the island. [00:25:19] Speaker E: Arnold, it's going to work. [00:25:21] Speaker G: Why not? As long as we tell him the truth. [00:25:22] Speaker E: The beach is only 50 yards away. [00:25:30] Speaker H: No. No. [00:25:32] Speaker E: No what? [00:25:33] Speaker H: I cannot do it. [00:25:34] Speaker G: What do you mean? This is war orders. [00:25:37] Speaker H: I know, but I cannot obey. A different type of vessel should have been chosen for this mission. But not a lifeboat. [00:25:46] Speaker E: You must think of our country. Think of the barbaric Hagen. [00:25:50] Speaker H: It is electronically impossible for me to carry out your orders. My prime directive is to protect my occupants from harm. That order is stamped on my every tape, giving priority above all others. I cannot let you go to your certain death. [00:26:09] Speaker G: You'll be court martialed for this. I'll have you broken down to a dinghy. [00:26:14] Speaker H: I regret to say I must operate within my limitations. I must take you to the safety of the South Pole. [00:26:22] Speaker G: Listen, you crazy tin can, let me at those controls. Out. [00:26:28] Speaker H: Please. Do not attempt any more destruction. I know how you feel. [00:26:34] Speaker E: Wait a minute. Arnold, old friend. Since we cannot accomplish our mission, we cannot ever again face our comrades. Death before dishonorous. Hand me the canteen. [00:26:46] Speaker H: No, don't. That's water. It is a deadly poison. Don't. Don't. [00:26:55] Speaker E: Too late, Arnold. It's your turn. [00:26:58] Speaker G: We who are about to die salute you. [00:27:03] Speaker E: We die for glorious drone. [00:27:07] Speaker G: That goes for me, too. [00:27:12] Speaker H: Speak to me. Speak to me. [00:27:14] Speaker E: Lie still, you idiot. [00:27:16] Speaker H: There is no known antidote. If only I could contact the hospital ship. Speak to me. Are you still alive? Answer me. Here. Here. Perhaps if you eat some geese. Dead. Dead. I will now read the burial service. Great spirit of the universe, take into your custody the souls of these, your servants. Although they died by their own hand, still it was in the service of their country, fighting for home and hearth. Judge them not harshly for their impious. Indeed, rather, blame the spirit of war that inflames and destroys the spirit of all drome. And now, by the authority vested in me by the Drome fleet, and with all reverence, I commend their bodies to the deep. [00:28:26] Speaker G: Ow. [00:28:27] Speaker E: Shut up. [00:28:29] Speaker H: Them ocean, for many brave hearts are at slumber in the deep. [00:28:39] Speaker E: Float quietly. [00:28:42] Speaker G: What's the lifeboat doing? It's still hanging around. [00:28:45] Speaker E: Just pray the drones didn't believe in cremation. [00:28:47] Speaker H: Sleep quietly, brave spirits. I will now play the drome national anthem. [00:29:06] Speaker E: Well, there she goes. [00:29:09] Speaker G: Where? [00:29:10] Speaker E: To the South Pole, to wait for the Drome fleet. [00:29:18] Speaker D: You have just heard x minus one, presented by the National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction magazine, which this month features the man who ate the world by Frederick Paul. This is the story of a civilization which flowed with milk and honey and of a man whose tragedy was that he had not drowned at birth. Galaxy magazine, on your newsstand today. Tonight, by transcription X Minus one has brought you the lifeboat mutiny, a story from the pages of Galaxy, written by Robert Sheckley and adapted for radio by Ernest Kinnhoyde. Featured in the cast were Leon Janney, Mandel Kramer, William Redfield and John McGovern. Your announcer, Fred Collins. X Minus one was directed by Daniel Sutter and is an NBC radio network production. [00:30:10] Speaker A: That was the lifeboat mutiny from x minus one here on the mysterious old Radio Listening Society podcast. Once again, I'm Eric. [00:30:18] Speaker B: I'm Tim. [00:30:18] Speaker C: And I'm Joshua. [00:30:20] Speaker A: And that was selected by Patreon supporters, Evan, who made that request for us to listen and analyze that particular episode. Thank you so much, Evan, for your request and also for being a patreon, as always. All right, so let's break this thing down. Sheckley, we're familiar with from having done watchbird on stage and, forgive me, adaptations done by Joshua. [00:30:48] Speaker B: Joshua did that. [00:30:48] Speaker G: Okay. [00:30:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:30:49] Speaker A: You did the adaptation for the radio drama of that. And it's. We've done it many times, and it's been a huge success and it's been a lot of fun. Would I be overstepping by saying Sheckley is an acquired taste? [00:31:03] Speaker C: No. One of the reasons I enjoyed the science fiction from this era is how it can be hilariously dated one moment and jaw droppingly prescient the next. [00:31:16] Speaker A: The veldt has a ton of that back and forth. Yeah. [00:31:19] Speaker C: Yeah. Where you're like, well, this is ridiculous by today's standards. And, oh, no, this is today. Right. And so that's what I like about Sheckley's work and the fact that I don't think there's anyone else in this era that's so good at being kind of ridiculous and flippant and silly, but still tackling bigger cultural anxieties at the same time. [00:31:45] Speaker A: Right. This is a trope. And one of the issues. Issues is not the right word. Why I don't jump up and down and say, oh, this is great. Okay, so let's just start there is because of the trope of the computer coming to life or being that sort. [00:32:07] Speaker B: Of technological rebellion of a computer. [00:32:09] Speaker A: The robot is alive. And I know putting it in context hasn't been done a lot at this. [00:32:14] Speaker C: Point, I would say it's malfunctioning. It's not that it's alive. [00:32:18] Speaker A: It's just technology is bad, but it. [00:32:21] Speaker B: Has a Persona that. [00:32:22] Speaker C: Yeah, yes, but that's. And making choice feature, not a bug. [00:32:25] Speaker A: And also making choices, though. [00:32:27] Speaker C: Yeah. And it's supposed to. Where it goes wrong is that it believes it's in a different scenario than the one it's actually in. [00:32:38] Speaker A: Right. It still thinks the war is going on. [00:32:40] Speaker G: Yeah. [00:32:40] Speaker A: Like that episode of Gilligan's island where that guy. [00:32:44] Speaker C: Well, that's a Laurel and Hardy short. That's hilarious. [00:32:47] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:32:48] Speaker C: Too. Where. [00:32:49] Speaker A: Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:32:51] Speaker C: Where the war's over and Stan Laurel's still sitting in a trench eating cans of beans. [00:32:56] Speaker A: Yes, yes. Well, because that begins with that guy goes, we're gonna go attack. You stay here. And they run out of the trench, and it jumps ahead five years or whatever, and he has made a house in this trench and he hasn't moved. Anyway, I'm so sorry. We're talking about. That's a great Laurel and Artie short. Um, yes, go on. [00:33:18] Speaker C: What I enjoy about it, and I think what makes this different from just a computer or a form of technology that won't do what you want it to do, is the very specific irony of the premise that too much safety can be a dangerous thing. That's where I think the Sheckland outlook comes to life. That irony there. [00:33:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:43] Speaker B: The sort of trope that I not trope theme that I plugged into was not so much the excess of safety, but the added burden that safety nets can become. Specifically, I was thinking of, like, an insurance, like, you have an accident, you have all this sort of problems in your life as a result of this accident. So you have paid for years and years for insurance, and then that is an added nightmare, is trying to collect insurance. [00:34:10] Speaker A: Right. [00:34:10] Speaker B: Which I suppose is another way of saying the safety, but it's not so much that it is too much safety as the safety you have is just another threat. [00:34:20] Speaker A: Right. [00:34:21] Speaker B: And then to pivot, I think part of what makes this. Well, decide how much you enjoy this or not is the distinctive way that these characters respond to their situation, which is just on the cusp of comedy versus horror, that they respond as though they're in a comedy, even though the situation's. You're in a horror story. [00:34:45] Speaker C: Yeah, I get your point, but I feel like the situation is so absurd that their eye rolling response seems appropriate. And the idea that it's a souped up space boat that we're in, they never seem to really believe it's going to kill them. And that, again, I though, to your point, could be why someone doesn't enjoy it, but I don't think they're attempting to create suspense and failing. I don't think that's the goal. [00:35:12] Speaker B: And to finish like that, this was not to say I didn't enjoy it. I did, but I enjoyed it larger than the comedic beats, more so than the story engaged me. [00:35:23] Speaker C: Yes. Because again, I think it's sorting through, and that's part of the just intellectual fun for me to recognize these jokes that would have hit much harder in 1956. Not that they're bad jokes. Like, I am sure imagining a future in which untrustworthy used car salesmen are now selling used spaceships. Right. Was far more cutting than it is closer to home. Yeah. Now it's cute, you know, like, oh, I see what you did there. And I don't fault him for that, because he wrote it when he wrote it. I also think things like the fact that they work for a real estate developer who wants to subdivide the planet. When you're writing this on the. In the decade that invented suburban sprawl, that's a sharp, jabbing joke. Now you probably go, what's a subdivision? A lot of people listening to it. [00:36:22] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:36:22] Speaker C: So it's fun to parse out those jokes from things that I think have more life to them. [00:36:29] Speaker B: The national anthem will never not be funny to me. I could hear that over and over and over again. [00:36:34] Speaker C: The national anthem killed me, and it killed me for a very specific reason that I'm gonna. I know we rarely play something in the middle of our discussion, but I have to play this for you. Are you guys familiar with Raymond Scott, the musician? Those of you know his work very well. [00:36:55] Speaker A: Okay. [00:36:56] Speaker C: He was a composer and band leader and early pioneer of electronica. His composition was used in hundreds of Looney Tunes cartoons. [00:37:06] Speaker H: Oh. [00:37:06] Speaker C: In the background. Powerhouse is probably his most famous. And if I played it for you, you would instantly. [00:37:17] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Okay. [00:37:19] Speaker C: Yeah, that's Raymond Scott. And Tim and I will be recording an album later. [00:37:24] Speaker A: Yeah, right. That was really good, you guys. Thank you, sir. [00:37:28] Speaker C: But anyway, in the sixties, when he got more into electronica, he released a series of electronic music albums meant for infants called soothing sounds for babies. And it is some of the least soothing songs you could ever hear. I have all three cds worth of, and it sounds terrifyingly like the drome national anthem. I also know that Evan does some music composition himself, so I have to play this a little bit. I think it's cued to the spot. [00:38:18] Speaker B: It doesn't have the boing. [00:38:19] Speaker C: Doesn't have the comic boing, but there's a connection there. [00:38:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:23] Speaker C: So maybe the national anthem was for drone babies. [00:38:31] Speaker B: Here's the deeply, deeply unwarranted connection that this happened because you're talking about the drawing. I'm in the middle of game mastering a traveler rpg. And if you know Traveler real well, I'm sure the both of you, I can gauge by your shocked and horrified expressions that the drawing are a race in traveler, and it's a. They're sort of winged little creatures. But it's really important to the particular game that I'm running, you know, for those of you who are listening, like, give me more details, Tim. It is the mongoose updated version there into the rift sort of campaign setting. We just got through the island sector, and we're going to be moving into the endeavor. So that was my background in listening to this. When they were talking about the drawing of, like, yeah, I'm with you. I know what's happening here. [00:39:29] Speaker C: Eric, do you have a really personal tangent that you can share that I have no idea doesn't impress us the way ours did not impress. [00:39:38] Speaker A: I don't have any idea what he just said. I'm not kidding. I'm not even trying to be funny. But, like, those are all. What are you talking about? No, I don't even know the connection. [00:39:50] Speaker B: It's so thin. [00:39:52] Speaker A: So, so thin. But, you know, we're here for you, brother. We are here for you to get it off your chest. I will say this about the national anthem music. Going back to that real quick. It is grating, and, you know, it's not enjoyable. You wouldn't want to listen to that. But it's better than all the other x minus one interstitial music. [00:40:16] Speaker C: But again, I'm gonna make this argument. I've argued over and over again. You just don't like 1950s incidental music because it's not specific to x minus one. [00:40:24] Speaker A: I don't like it. [00:40:24] Speaker C: No more dated or incongruous than organ music from the 1940s, which I listen. [00:40:30] Speaker A: To, like, in my car right now. If you wear my car right now, I listen to Muzak, literally. But when it's in this science fiction show that they have these moments where they allude to dialogue wise or production wise, that this is a suspenseful moment, they follow it up with incorrect music. That. That is my rip, to me. [00:40:54] Speaker C: Well, this was comic, so I thought this would go down a little smoother. [00:40:58] Speaker A: It did. [00:40:59] Speaker B: It did get an opportunity to slam x minus one. [00:41:01] Speaker A: Yeah, I was just trying to take an. I'm just taking a shot. [00:41:03] Speaker C: Well, I'm gonna say this. [00:41:05] Speaker A: A sucker punch on X Minus one. [00:41:07] Speaker C: Evan is very aware of your dislike for the x minus one incidental music, and he brought that up upon requesting this, and we'll play it at the end of the podcast. But he did a little house dance remix of the x minus one theme that's quite impressive. In the hopes that perhaps you might prefer that. [00:41:27] Speaker A: Can I say something else about the national anthem music? [00:41:30] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:41:30] Speaker A: When Sci-Fi tries to develop what music may sound like in the future or on a distant world in a various wide range of movies or radio shows or what have you. Right. It almost always fails. This is where I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble. For example, I hate that bar scene in Star wars so much. Because of the music. [00:42:03] Speaker B: The jizz wailing. [00:42:04] Speaker A: Huh? The what? What did you say? [00:42:09] Speaker B: Jizz wailing. It's the type of music they're playing in the cantina. [00:42:12] Speaker A: It's literally swing music. In other words, I always think, why don't you do something way outside the box? Why don't you do something like, oh, that's music to them. That's crazy. But instead of bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. So you're doing Glenn Miller songs. Okay, great. So you've not done any kind of creative thought put into that. [00:42:33] Speaker C: I can't believe we're now sidetracked to defending Star wars to Eric. But I'm gonna do it anyway. That whole scene is about how everything is exactly like on earth. [00:42:42] Speaker B: You're on cowboys in a bar listening to Glendale. [00:42:45] Speaker C: That's the entire point of that, is that, oh, it's aliens and wizards with lightsabers and all that, but they still go hang out in a bar, and there's music playing, and they get in bar fights. [00:42:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And I hate it. [00:42:55] Speaker C: That's the point of it. [00:42:56] Speaker A: That's why I hate it. So another world should look like another world should be weird. Right? Okay. Anyway, so I always. [00:43:03] Speaker C: We're going on a tangent record. We can do it. We have the most tangents we've ever had on a podcast. [00:43:09] Speaker A: I've always had this opinion, oh, this is music from the future or from another world in whatever movie, whatever thing, and it always fails. This is perfect. This is. Thank you for doing something that doesn't sound anything like music, that we know it, and trying to create something that would be otherworldly or futuristic. So that's my favorite part of this show, is that national anthem because of that? Does that make sense? [00:43:38] Speaker C: Yes. Oh, yeah. Good point. [00:43:41] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:43:41] Speaker C: Way to bring us back to the actual story we're talking about. To that point, I mentioned some of the 1950s era jokes that aren't as sharp today as they were 70 years ago. I can't believe he didn't write jokes that lasted 70 years. [00:43:58] Speaker B: Can't believe it was 70 years ago. [00:44:01] Speaker A: Right? [00:44:02] Speaker C: But I thought, here are the ideas that I think stand the test of time. Well, in our culture war moment, I think just the phrase that the lifeboat problem is that it can only interpret data on a single premise, was maybe one of the most insightful sentences I've read in a long time. That's not just the lifeboats problem. That's everybody's problem. [00:44:26] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:44:27] Speaker C: But also just some of the other fascinating ideas that come up in here. One of the guys mentions the war between the drones and the Hagan and says, it wasn't even a very important war, which I thought had that effect to remind us of the sobering scope of history and all these things that are life and death to us in this moment. If we're lucky, we'll become an historical footnote. [00:44:55] Speaker B: Or if we're unlucky. [00:44:56] Speaker C: Yeah. In general, I think the lifeboat, as well as the lizard razor that I think Dave mentions that idea of technological relativism, this technology was meant for a different species with different needs. The idea that he tried to use a razor that was supposed to help a reptile with its shed, and he ends up in the hospital. Those are great Sci-Fi ideas. And I like that Sheckley has so much imagination that he often will toss off what would be a premise of another short story in a line or two. These guys are like, do you have another tangent? [00:45:35] Speaker B: No, just my. You'd be better. It'd be better in the canteen after listening to powerhouse. [00:45:46] Speaker C: There is a little bit of a raven Scott quality to that. Jizz wailing. [00:45:52] Speaker A: Jizz wailing. [00:45:53] Speaker B: Not making it up. [00:45:54] Speaker A: Mandy, that's also a movie you should not Google. [00:45:59] Speaker C: I know that sounds surprising, but that's actually safe to Google at work. It'll just bring up the cantina scene in Star wars. [00:46:09] Speaker B: This is not what I was looking for. [00:46:18] Speaker C: Thanks, Evan. We really appreciate. [00:46:20] Speaker A: Thanks, Evan. Let's vote. [00:46:22] Speaker C: I thought from a minnesotan perspective, that the fact that they were in grave danger of being in 20 degrees below zero was kind of funny. [00:46:30] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:46:33] Speaker C: I thought that Tim would be very excited because the phrase suicide squad is mentioned. [00:46:39] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. That did perk up the suicide. Why do you think books did you. [00:46:45] Speaker A: Just say no words and then comic books? [00:46:47] Speaker B: It was a little Scooby doo there. [00:46:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:46:49] Speaker C: I think my favorite line in here, and I think it is a legitimately laugh out love funny line, even if it's maybe a dad joke. I'll have you broken down to a dinghy. Mainly because the word dinghy is always funny. Always funny. Not as funny. It's just wailing. [00:47:03] Speaker A: But, you know, if you really want to laugh hard, put someone on dinghy duty. [00:47:11] Speaker C: And I didn't even want to laugh. I couldn't help myself. [00:47:15] Speaker B: My favorite aspect of this that I want to steal and use somewhere else is the idea of a character that can hear you when you talk to. [00:47:24] Speaker A: Him, but not about him. Yeah, that's an interesting point. That would be me, though. [00:47:31] Speaker C: But again, that's like, Sheckley has so many, like, good ideas. He just. I think it's that era, too, where you're making money by how many words you can put on a page, how quickly. And he's just almost wasting ideas a little bit here and there, because that is a really good idea. Maybe it's just me, but I somehow doubt that robot Maitre D's could be any more fake and annoying than flesh and blood maitre D's. But again, that's a little prescient, right? He complains about a robot maitre D. Like we now complain when we get an automated voice and we're yelling at the phone. [00:48:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:48:06] Speaker C: We're trying to call our bank and we're going, can I just talk to a human? [00:48:09] Speaker A: Yeah, do it all the time. [00:48:10] Speaker G: Operator. [00:48:12] Speaker C: Yes. Suddenly everyone talks like a dalek. Operator. [00:48:18] Speaker A: I think that speaks volumes about our tastes, Joshua, that you go places that have a maitre D. I don't think I've ever eaten anywhere. [00:48:29] Speaker B: McMaitre d. Yeah. [00:48:31] Speaker A: I've never eaten anywhere with a matrix. [00:48:32] Speaker C: That's what they call those self help kiosks. [00:48:35] Speaker A: Donaldson, have you actually ever eaten in a place that there's a maitre d? [00:48:40] Speaker C: Technically, anyone who is standing at that little desk and seats you when you walk in, even if it's. [00:48:46] Speaker A: Those are hosts. [00:48:47] Speaker C: Even if it's a country kitchen, that. [00:48:49] Speaker A: Those are hosts esque. It's Maitre D esque. But I mean, an actual maitre D. Like, they call themselves that. They have a tux on. They have a. [00:48:58] Speaker C: Not regularly, but yes, I've been. [00:48:59] Speaker A: I went to prom. [00:49:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:49:01] Speaker A: I have nothing I've never seen. Yeah. Hell, yeah. [00:49:06] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:49:07] Speaker B: Run a limo, go get some dinner. [00:49:08] Speaker C: Be nice. Put on some jizz wailing. [00:49:15] Speaker B: Like this. [00:49:23] Speaker A: Can we vote? [00:49:26] Speaker B: I found this enchanting under the sea. [00:49:38] Speaker A: Oh, it's the final countdown. Are we voting? Sure, Tim. [00:49:44] Speaker B: I think this stands the test of time, even though I do agree that some of the jokes do not land like they would have at the time. But the satire overall holds up. I won't call this a classic. It's so hard with satire both to hold up and to be like, this is a tremendous achievement artistically, but it's good. I will not call it a tremendous achievement artistically. [00:50:14] Speaker C: I really enjoyed this. I appreciate Sheckley's light hearted approach, like I said, to high concept, and he can be both silly and insightful at the same time. I always really appreciate that. I also would not call it a classic, even among Sheckley's x minus one adaptations. I think I prefer, like the skulking permit is a great Sheckley adaptation from x minus one. Protection is another, which is another kind of anti paternalism piece. So maybe that's why I picked up on the irony about safety ism, because I think that is a bugaboo with Sheckley. This is just my wheelhouse. I love this decade of radio. I love this decade of science fiction. So it's kind of like the radio version of mexican food. I love amazing, authentic mexican food, but if I have to go to fast food, it's still going to be mexican because I really like the cheap, easy stuff, too. [00:51:15] Speaker A: Wow. That was quite a tangent. But I agree with you so much. [00:51:20] Speaker C: This is our tangent episode. [00:51:21] Speaker A: But I agree with you so much on mexican food. [00:51:24] Speaker B: I mean, if you can get a place that has a major d, right. [00:51:29] Speaker A: It doesn't matter what I like. Good. Yeah, man. Bring it. All right. I refuse to vote and here's why. This is a new one. I refuse to vote. It's not fair for me to vote. This is not aimed at me at all. This is just, it obviously strikes a chord with people and it's interesting and compelling and thought provoking. And you like it. It's so not aimed at me that I'm not on board with. So how can I analyze it, right? How can I sit here and go, oh, I didn't like it because of this? No, I didn't like it, but I'm, this is the same thing as a, look, I don't like the grateful dead, but 8 billion people can't be wrong, right? [00:52:12] Speaker C: Yes, they can. [00:52:12] Speaker A: No, they can't. No, they can't because they're obviously talented and good, right? This is obviously a good piece of this style, this genre. [00:52:22] Speaker C: 8 million people on drugs. I think that's the factor you're missing. [00:52:27] Speaker A: This is your wheelhouse, right? You guys like this. It's your stuff. [00:52:31] Speaker C: But I also think parts of it doesn't work. But that's the fun of it for me, is part of it, but none. [00:52:35] Speaker A: Of it works for me. So what, none of it works. Just the national anthem is brilliant. [00:52:40] Speaker C: Can you rate the national anthem then? [00:52:42] Speaker A: Classic Sci-Fi music. [00:52:46] Speaker C: I think we should adopt it. [00:52:47] Speaker A: Yes, that should be the opening of our show. [00:52:50] Speaker C: I think more and more that is a worthy national anthem for this country. [00:52:55] Speaker A: I think it's just our podcast. I think that should be the opening song. [00:52:58] Speaker B: Play the national anthem. Everyone should float right several inches above the ground. [00:53:04] Speaker A: Now you're doing dune jokes because that guy floats. That guy. [00:53:07] Speaker C: And it's the one guy. [00:53:08] Speaker B: No, I'm doing it jokes. [00:53:10] Speaker A: Oh, all right. I. I'm trying. [00:53:12] Speaker C: Oh, man. Are we really gonna end on a unsuccessful tangent? [00:53:19] Speaker B: Wet trombone. [00:53:22] Speaker C: Tangent in a callback. [00:53:24] Speaker A: Callback to last week's episode. Tim, tell him stuff. [00:53:27] Speaker B: Hey, if you're still listening, please go visit gluestrolites.com. you can vote in polls. Let us know what you think of the style of satire and x minus one and sci-Fi and the view of the future and all of that. And we will take that into account. [00:53:43] Speaker C: No, we won't. [00:53:45] Speaker B: It'll be recorded for posterity. And you can also, while you're at the website, check out our store. Get yourself some mysterious old radio listening society swag, including some fan creations, which are awesome. Thank you, fans who created art. [00:53:59] Speaker A: Right? [00:54:00] Speaker B: And you can link to our Patreon page. [00:54:02] Speaker C: Yes. Go to patreon.com themorals and become a supporter of this podcast. Like Evan, you too could inspire many tangents, and you might choose an episode in which we barely talk about. But thank you so much to all our patrons for supporting this podcast. And thank you so much to Evan for recommending this one. [00:54:26] Speaker A: If you'd like to see the mysterious old radio listening society performing live, the theater company does and performs classic recreations of classic old time radio shows and a lot of her own original work. As we perform audio drama live on stage, you want to find out where we're performing and what we're performing every month, sometimes more than once a month, go to ghoulishdelights.com and there you will see how to get tickets and what we're performing. And if you can't make it to our performance as a Patreon, we supply to you patreons either video and or audio of our performances. So it's another perk of being a Patreon. But try to come because food's always great and we'd love to hang out with you and say hi. It's great to meet you all. Alright, what's coming up next? [00:55:12] Speaker C: Next, we have another listener request. We will be listening to an episode of the shadow entitled the Gorilla man. Until then. And now, here is Evan's remix of the theme from x minus one x. [00:55:31] Speaker I: Minus five minus four x minus three. [00:55:34] Speaker E: Minus two x minus one x x minus one five. [00:55:40] Speaker I: Five. New dimensions in time and space Faith new dimensions in time and space Faith new dimensions in time and space new dimensions in time and space x minus five minus four minus three minus two three x minus one x five x minus one one x minus minus minus one one x minus minus minus one x minus one one five like that's a fire fight watching fire die rocket fire watch this fire die rocket fire watch this fire die rocking fire. [00:57:47] Speaker A: New. [00:57:48] Speaker I: Dimensions in time and space Faith new dimensions in time and space faith new dimensions in time and space Faith new dimensions in time and space three, x minus five times minus four minus three times minus two x minus one x x five x minus one x minus minus minus one one. X minus minus minus one one. X minus one one. X minus X Hex I minus one x I minus one one fire.